DEAR MY E-LIFE, E-DIARY, E-E-E, I MEAN BLOG
long time no post since october 2022 eh, I haven't been so active to maintain this blog because lot of things happened lately, anyway HAPPY EID MUBAROK who celebrate it! I made a simple poster using free canva, so here it is in gif format and bahasa language
Ramadhan will leave us soon, I hope our worship to Allah through fasting in 1 month is accepted & blessed by the Almighty & Merciful Allah SWT to erase all of our sins, also I hope we can meet Ramadhan again in near future, Aamiin, Barakallah.
well, I have so many stories I wanna share in this post.. tbh, I'm hesitate to post it in English or Bahasa lol because my english sucks but I want to push my limits in my writting skill.
Personal & Worklife story, Good enough alhamdulillah! masyaallah tabarakallah, good enough to make me feel like horse (kerja lembur bagai kuda they said) but still alhamdulillah! but I still love my job because of it, I get paid for what I asked and get what I wanted to be, called it Procurement & Logistic Executive and I also had subordinate to be coordinated directly by me (high sallary also means high responsibility, right?) I can give my parents enough money, pay the electricity, internet & PDAM bills, buy what I want, donating and many more through my main sallary. 2022 was so hard for my worklife but when I look back, I have been through lot of pain & have more than enough in this year from Allah. Sometimes I think I dont deserve this because the sins I carry in my life, why Allah is still kind & gives a good fortune to me, the girl who carries a lot of sins in the past and present :'( faith, good food, good family, health, wealth and many things I can't even describe through paragraphs and more important is, Allah still allows me to meet & feel Ramadhan this year.
well, Linkedin is really helping me with my worklife. I got my job through Linkedin twice (got noticed and approached by HRD from linkedin more than 5 times), first in architectural company and now I'm working under Handbag manufacturer Company (if you want to connect to my Linkedin, here). Actually, I'm still not satisfied by what I had now, because I still want and strive for construction, transportation, mining, energy, oil & gass companies such as TOKYU CONSTRUCTION, WIKA, PP, HALLIBURTON, MRT JAKARTA, FREEPORT, BUMA, KPC, KPP, ADARO, VALE, ITM, PAMA PERSADA, MCDERMOTT, UNILEVER and many more (banyak banget BM saya, Bismillah dulu aja optimis tembus salah satunya)
I have no love or someone to chase (because I dont even want too and dont plan on it too), the things I have to chase are Allah's grace & forgiveness, family welfare, my career path, and education and that's why I'm so ambitious about faith, where and what company I wanted to be and yes, I'm now planning to get my master degree in this year but have no idea where and what major. I want to get my master degree in Business Administrastion or Management to support my career path in Procurement but in another side I also want the Engineering one, actually in Environment, HSE or Construction Management. I really want to make my parent proud with my achievement especially my mom.
Ya Allah, please make me the biggest star ever that shines eternally for my family, please make me the luckiest girl from the luckiest one in earth & jannah, and also please make me the girl who can enter your jannah with my family ya Allah, aamiin!
nowadays, I also lost my weight from 78kgs in 2022, Now my weight is about 65-66kgs (also alhamdulillah) but still I have to do more physical exercise to build my muscle, be more healthy & stronger. I love to read books too! I bought so many books and mostly about self healing and self improvement, so useful to take my sadness away but still Quran is the winner of all to take away my sadness, everything I asked is already answered by Allah in the Quran & my favorite verse from Quran is this one
Love story, still sucks tbh but lemme be okay with it because the highest level of loving someone is let him go.. back to 2022, the year of my sorrow, grief, hate, anger, etc.. I cry and also cursed God & my family because at that time, I didnt accept the way my ex betrayed me after almost 7 years relationship since August 2015 for another girl (now his wife) whose worked in the same company with him, the effect of it really hit my lowest point ; I deactivated all of my social medias (exc linkedin & tiktok), got eczema, suicidal thoughts, spent my money to proffesional psychologist (fyi, the money I spent is from my wedding savings :') tbh), quit my job, and the worst is I almost lost my faith. I'm so disappointed with this betrayal, because in that-almost-7-years-relationship, I was the one whose always be blamed by him the cheater, whore, cheap, and so many words like that came from his typing who really hurt my heart & my feelings both as a friend and as a lover. I knew I'm not good enough as a person, as a friend, and as a lover, I have mistakes too but I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I'm not as smart as him, as though as him, as cool as him, not beauty & wise as He wanted, but...
Dear *SA, I'm still a human too like you.
that ''Perawan Tua'' words still haunted me today lol, as I remembered he said that in 2021 because I chose my family over him and it made him thought that I'm not trustworthy & stupid but time flies and the truth revealed in November 26th 2022, I got his wedding photo with his girl (now his wife) whose name also start with SA too like him and she's from the same company with him known as Wilm*r Consultancy Services, she's from SAP sales distribution department division, graduated from Yogyakarta State University in 2018, and she's from Mechatronics Engineering (if I'm not mistaken). This is funny (hurt to the bone tbh) because I never search & stalk his life again after He ended up our relationship with unacceptable reasons about faith & as I said before I deactivated my social media and fyi, he also blocked my number so, I have no access to him to gain more informations about his life besides his get contact which I've checked for the last time in August 2022 but somehow God showed me the answers through someone I never met & knew before who accidentally sent me his wedding photo in 4 collages with him wearing black shirt, light coloured trousers (I'm not sure neither is white, taupe or beige colour) white sneakers and his girl (now his wife) with his hair tied without hijab wearing short sleeved black mid-dress with a bit ruffle on its bottom and white sneakers.
now, I know why he was really mad at me for the small things I did if it didn't satisfy him
now, I know why he was really mad at me if I'm near to my friends both girls & boys
now, I know why he was being so insanely possessive to me, I mean to everything I did in the past.
now, I know why he was so easily said something unacceptable to me like t*i, moron, perawan tua, whore, cheap, stupid, anj*ng, ngent*t and many bad swear words when he's mad.
now, I know why it was always me who ran after him, went to his house, knocked his door, when he's mad.
He never did that before, I just dont know him or Allah just showed me his true colours through his successfull?
now, I know the answer
the answer is
I MADE HIM THE ONLY OPTION I HAD WHILE HE MADE ME ONE OF HIS OPTIONS
it's been one year since He left me, many people come to my life (sorry I can't tell their names) and wanted to know more about me and also wanted to build serious relationship with me but the trauma & pain still haunts me so I rejected them quickly as fast as I can so sorry but not sorry, it's funny how my plan is being married in 2022 with the man I love since High School is not accepted by Allah.
Since the day I got betrayed, I deliberately build my own wall, a big-big-big wall I've ever build in my life to prevent any hurt from someone,
I dont wanna hurt someone's heart and dont wanna get my heart hurt again by someone.
For now, I dont think and absolutely have no plan about marriage but it doesnt mean I dont believe in marriage, I just dont believe and trust in love again. When I was still in relationship with SA, we once said
*SA : ''if we fail to become US (him & me), i dont wanna get married in near time, maybe until I get 28 or 30, I want to resign from Wilm*r and build my career first in SAP to its maximum level''
*Me : ''i dont know if I lost you.. I just dont plan any of it, if we fail to become US, maybe i dont wanna get married by someone else in certain or unspecified time, I'm going to adopt children whose abandoned by their parents or orphan (indonesia : yatim, piatu or both yatim piatu)''
now, I stand here alone with the promise and story we told each other (which that chat is still finely archived in my main e-mail) and him easily forget & broke it.
I should let him go.. I should forgive him even it's hard (the hardest part of my life) because I'm not perfect too, the pain and traumas are lasts forever in my heart but again, the highest level of love is let him go, his happiness is also my happiness too.. Dear SA, please live a happy life with your little family now.
I know, this is the punishment from Allah because of what I did in that Relationship, now I accept your punishment o-dear God, I'm so sorry ya Allah, please forgive me for what SA and I did in the past, I know all of my life (maybe) will not be enough to redeem all of my sins from that almost 7 years relationship but please, please, please forgive me - forgive him - forgive us.
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